sick to fucking death

of being an emotional cripple.

i don't know how to date.

i don't know what's "appropriate" to talk about, so i talk about less and less until it's so diminished there's nothing left and then i wonder what happened. is it me? is it him? is it that the us is just off?

all of which reminds, me, hello, there is no fucking up. it's just life. i am the judge and jury. i am granting me a pardon. free pass. have fun, be nice.

O, Ben Folds...Sufjan Stevens...

Ben, Sufjan, where are you? And why aren't we in a passionate relationship right now?

Perhaps the saddest part of my question is that I don't even know your real name. Names. And yet, I feel closer to you (two) than I have to men who've had their fingers inside me.

What breaks my heart about music, good music, (music I like), is knowing that it means we all do feel the same, yearn for and long for the same things. And yet, in the real world, it's so hard to get it together.

I went to a meditation the other day where the woman leading was talking about doing everything she could to align her shakti energy to be open and ready for her shiva. What I wouldn't give to truly be able to do that, strip away everything and give my all to make way for my beloved. Christ, I don't even wanna be bothered if he lives a train ride away in Brooklyn!

more than meets the eye

....from the match files

My date last night?

We were talking about movies?

He waxed on about Transformers.

I tried to appear to feign interest.

He said, clearly you weren't a young boy in 1984.

I said, I wasn't a young girl in 1984 either.

I have officially canceled the match subscription.

For now.

Savaged

I saw The Savages. The fact that I love Philip Seymour Hoffman in that movie tells me everything I need to know about why I often go to bed and wake up crying.

What the fuck happened. I was sailing along. Fine. Lonely sometimes, sometimes wondering if I'd ever have another lover or if those days were just, well, done.

I have to get off match. It's caused far too much disruption. I want the male attention, but the process is making me terribly unhappy. I only wish I knew what to do next. Part of me wants to travel, but where? To what end?

I can hear my neighbor, she's not alone. There's giggling. For a moment I thought, oh, why not me? Then I remembered how relieved I was when I wasn't waking up with my husband anymore.

Yeah. Time to get off match.

Sad but true

Jesus H Christ, I've had a eureka moment.....

It has taken me a long time just to admit I want to be in a relationship. Now that I have made THAT admission, I think it may be worse. I think I may need to be in a loving relationship before I should have sex.

Should is the very important, operative word in that sentenct. For one thing, I'm not sure I'm capable of such behavior. I mean, for fuck's sake, I am at my sexual peak, like an 18 year-old boy. I am supposed to be married and able to get it whenever I want it, right? How in the hell am I supposed to WAIT? And why? It's not like I'm doing something I've never done before.

But here's the rub. It doesn't matter why. Something has changed. I feel shittier and shittier having sex and then not being treated the way I'd like to be treated, but how in the hell are these poor dupes supposed to know how I'd like to be treated when, in fact, we don't know each other. I'd like to think I can just get up and be all, Well, that was fun. Next! But the evidence mounts. I am doing the same thing and expecting different results.

But do I need to go all the way with this? Do I need to be loved before I can have sex? Does anything less just lead to heartache? Should I, by my own reasoning and the state of my own romantic life, still be a virgin?

I fear never having sex again. Sometimes I can admit to myself--progress?--it's not the lack of sex I truly fear.

Maybe if I'd taken this approach from the start I'd be happily married with 1.2 kids.

But how do you know what love is without sex? I have loads of loving relationships in my life--these are not people I orgasm with. I don't know if I'm capable of loving someone until I've rooted around in their smell. Is it not splitting hairs to do everything BUT fuck and pretend you did not have sexual relations?

So much for my eureka. This is still a pigfuck. I want a clear answer but I don't think it's strapping on the chastity belt. The answer lies somewhere in the middle. Yawn.

pre coitus interruptus

At last. At last. Maybe?

"I have to tell you..."

Oh god, no you don't. But he did.

"...I'm really bad at relationships."

Now what, exactly, I'm supposed to do with this information I don't know. Is this a way of saying, ten minutes, ten days, or ten weeks hence, "I told you."

Does that mean the relationship started? How did I miss agreeing to be in it?

Dude, sister has not been laid in an AGE. Did he really think I was going to let the little warning stop me? And, if he's so bad at it, what's he doing right there with me? OK, sure, like Woody Allen says at the end of Annie Hall, telling a joke, "My brother thinks he's a chicken." The doctor replies, "why don't you turn him in?" Guy says he needs the eggs. Relationships are like that guy, he says. Absurd. But most of us need the eggs.

I believe you show what you're thinking more clearly by your actions than by what you say. We can talk about what's going to happen. Then there's what happens. There's only one thing left to do. Wait and see what happens.

R U f*kn kiddn me?

6.42 this morning I get a text from a dude I exchanged a couple of emails and a couple of missed phone calls with. Morning!

OK, well, I'm awake. Back at ya, luv!

Breakfast?

...I do like my breakfast, but...

After I teach yoga? 10.30?

I shit you not, this was his reply:
Hmm...before. Breakfast in bed.

Huh? Whaaa? Christ, what on earth would make someone suggest, sight unseen, breakfast in BED. He must be flirting/teasing/testing to see how I'll react. I mean, he's pawned himself off as a doctor, so he supposedly has some book learnin' behind him anyway. I text back...

Surely u hav bettr com ons 4 getting in2 a womans bed?

I think me and coffee and croissants is enough.

...is this dude for REAL?...

U'd b wrong.

OK, thanks anyway.

OH. You're on the prowl. Best of luck out there.

Hardly on the prowl. Just like unique first dates.

...ok, maybe he was flirting. hmmm. keep it light....

Prove it?

That I like unque 1st dates? Cd b coff n crssnts ten times.

Talk about dropping the ball. But sheesh, if he wasn't teasing, what WAS that? Was I supposed to seriously entertain that idea? How's that gonna play out? OH, yeah, here's my addy. I like my coffee black. Like my SOUL.

Oy.