I was ashamed

I was in emotional agony all day yesterday, the kind that lived to the left of center in my chest, threatening to erupt if I breathed too deeply. And then I realized, too late to quite save the day, I'd forgotten to turn on any music.

So I'm listening now to Sufjan Stevens, and I hear his refrain, "I was a ashamed, I was ashamed, I was ashamed of her." And I realize, he's just spoken the truth I was not even aware of and yet the one I fear the most--that my partner will feel that way about me.

This gives me the chance, for the right now moment, to be grateful I do not have a partner. And then on comes "darling nikki"--thank you iPod shuffle!--and the party is back on.

And that's why I have to have the music. Not only do I need the reassurance I get from music that someone else is feeling as I do, even when it's wrong, but, like a good therapist, it offers closure and the ability to move on.