The fix

I can no more fix things for other people than for myself. I am sick to death at shagging Mr. Age Inappropriate II. First it was just a simple response to his grossly callous behavior. And now it's because I see it in the context of my own. Why are we so awful, what's that Galaxie 500 song? It's a cover, but what do they say? Isn't it a pity? Isn't it a shame? How we break each other's hearts. And cause each other pain. How we take each other's love without thinking anymore. Forgetting to give back. Something stays so long. And how do I explain? When not too many people, can see we're all the same. And because of all the tears. Their eyes can't hope to see. The beauty that surrounds them. Oh isn't it a pity.

And if that doesn't remind me of yet another inappropriate shag. The Friend. Not my friend. My boyfriend's friend. He came into my apartment on Sunset Drive in Columbus, somewhere back in 1990 or so? Such a sad song, he said. I'm not sure I'd even noticed. And yet. There I was with him, instead of Craig, instead of Jeff. I work so hard to keep myself from being hurt, fucking hell do I make a mess of things. I'd like to say it's that I have horrible taste in men, but really I don't think I have any discriminating capabilities whatsoever beyond, could I do him? What happened to that glorious moment of not caring about having sex? It was truly a moment. March, May, (that moment), August, September...and now I have one lined up for October. And what's wrong with that?

The problem with October is that I don't want him. I want a him, someone to help me through the next couple of months.

Sex is really a problem, because I want it and I don't want to share it. And so I rush into it without having cleared up any questions beyond that first, yes, I could do him. And then I am and that's all folks. I think that's why long distance worked out for me in the beginning with Geo. Because rushing was not terribly possilble. How can you rush what's not there