Your name is my name, too

Maybe he's age appropriate, maybe he's even single, and he's definitely not gay. So why must his name be Jeff? Or God forbid, Geoff. No, either way.

I suppose I should be happy then, that he expressed zero interest in me. But am I doomed to meeting tall, dark and handsome Jeffs? This is either some great cosmic joke or a lesson. Or one in the same.

Unfortunately the effect is that it intrigues me more. Must I be so literal about patterns? In Annie Hall there's a scene where Diane Keaton and Woody Allen are chatting each other up, while their actual thoughts run simultaneously aloud. There's an old SNL skit based on it, where the guy's thoughts that run simultaneously are exactly what he's saying. I think I've remembered that for about 30 years because it's so ME. And I so wish it weren't.

I've gotten a tad better in most social situations, where all that's called for is the reflexive, "I'm good." Or, "great haircut!" Or, "how's [insert name of child/spouse/office here]?"

When it comes to things I care about, I still have not learned to distinguish between my emotional response to a situation and "reality." It's possible if I have time to reflect, but in the middle of it? No way.

Emma: Finance is questioning the 10 percent fee for going through a broker.

roundtheceiling: Are you fucking kidding me? Oh for fuck's sake. I can't even give directions to a taxi driver, let alone negotiate with those fuckers at the newspaper. That's ridiculous. Why can't they just let me do my goddamn job and them do theirs and just process the invoice.

E: They just want justification for it.

rtc: I sent the fucking email!

E: OK then, I'll just use that.

Now, let's imagine that conversation without me freaking out in a self-esteem nose dive, where I jump to the conclusion that my on-the-job performance is in question, but actually waiting to hear what's reequested.

E: Finance is questioning the 10 percent fee for going through a broker.

rtc: What's the question?

E: They just want justification for it.

rtc: Let me forward you the email I sent about this.

And same result. Only poor Emma did not have to listen to my tantrum.

How is it possible with this level of damage that I've ever had a relationship at all? All I can do is try again. We are all the same.

My fear is that I can not be open. I don't even know what it means to be open. There was always a level of mistrust with Geoff. And Jeff. In both cases there was a kind of impermanent feeling. What's permanent anyway? That refuge of mine gets going, and why trust in anything? The person I need to learn to trust is in fact, me.